I'm tired all the time. To the point of exhaustion. And then my head hits the pillow and my mind races and I'm suddenly wide awake. I'm eating well and exercising regularly, so I don't get it. Something isn't right. I need to stop worrying. I need to make peace. I need to remember what Louise Hay has to say: Insomnia: Fear. Not trusting the process of life. Guilt. I barely trust anyone or anything. I am consumed with guilt about my own imperfections, about struggling with the illogicalness of others. I have trouble seeing things that aren't in black and white and I don't understand the actions of others. I feel I'd be happiest on my own island with no human interaction. You can call me Negative Nancy.
A newer assignment from 8 Weeks to Wellness at Mind Body Barre: What touched me today? My best-friend, husband, and 8 Weeks to Wellness group have offered a lot of support the last two days and made me feel not quite so alone. The problem is that, ultimately, we ARE all alone. No one can completely understand my feelings or where I am coming from but me. But helping me move past that, to a place where I can accept what happens and try more to MAKE things happen than to LET them happen, can be helpful. At a time when I feel like crawling into a ball in the corner of a dark room, hearing that "You will never be happy if you try to act like somebody you are not. And I don't want you to be quiet and passive and not speaking up!! It's what makes you so wonderful!! You can't (and shouldn't) change you." Means that I'm okay as me, no matter how many times I've felt that I'm not, or how many times I have let people make me feel less than. Who or what inspired me today? I am not feeling very inspired lately. I am feeling more like a robot going through the motions. However, working from a local coffee shop when I don't go into the office allows me to interact with different characters. Today I was inspired by the college-aged boy who likes to sit with me and talk. He asked a lot about Stephen King, who happens to be one of my favorite authors, and that got my juices going and I felt excited again. Alive. Many of my short stories are reminiscent of King's earlier work, when he used the Pen Name Richard Bachman, so talking about him really touched home. It inspired me to write a blog entry, and maybe it will even inspire me to work on getting my own work out there. What made me smile today? This one is simple. Cuddles with my cat. If you're not lucky enough to know already, a 20 pound cat is a great cuddler. He gives real hugs. What's the best thing that happened today? I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. I have people that care about me. I drank an iced mocha and had an everything bagel with egg and cheese on it. These are all little things, but they happened today, and they made me feel better. Think about the energy that surrounded these things. Were you giving or receiving energy? Was it more one-way or the other? Was there a good balance? This is a tough one. For the last several months I have worked really hard in sending out positive energy. As shit started to hit the fan earlier this week it was very difficult to stay positive. I felt myself slipping into my old way of thinking - I did something to deserve this. I don't deserve good things. Bad things always happen to me. Yada yada yada. I've been spending the last few days trying to get my thinking back to positive. If I keep sending out negative energy then things are only going to get worse. And I can't let that happen. So, I'm going to be positive. If I made a mistake I'll own it and move on. I do deserve good things. Good things happen to me. One bad day isn't going to taint my whole life.
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