This positivity thing is not easy. I've been in a funk for a couple of days and can't seem to shake it. It doesn't seem to matter what I tell myself. I'm intelligent. I'm beautiful. I deserve good things. They aren't ringing true to me. I have a meeting with my supervisor on Monday to talk about something important (stay tuned) and the anxiety/shallow-breathing is driving me mad. There is no cure for this madness, as I am bringing it on myself. I know this. But it doesn't help. I know that the energy I put out is the energy I will get back, so I am trying to remind myself that the meeting will go well, that I deserve a positive outcome. I've done some breathing exercises without much success. If I'm busy enough I forget to focus on my breathing and that is a fantastic thing. But I can't be occupied 24/7. I can't control it when I wake up in the middle of the night (insomniac) and my breathing is off and even though I know it will eventually stop I don't know when and then it feels like it will never stop and then it's hello panic attack.
So I will continue to be kind to myself. I will continue to say I'm intelligent, I'm beautiful, I deserve good things. I will continue breathing exercises. I will continue to occupy myself. I will not give up. Acknowledgment: I am human. I can make mistakes. I can ask for help. Affirmation: It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully. I am safe everywhere in the Universe. I love myself and trust the process of life. (Both taken from You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay) Gratitude: I am grateful for the people I have chosen to include in my life. They will help me through this.
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I mean, not financially, but in so many other ways. I have to strongly recommend the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It was recommended to me by an instructor at Mind Body Barre, where I have been attending classes 2-4 times a week for two months, and is mandatory reading for all of their instructors. This is the first time I have taken any type of "gym" class, and the MBB studio immediately welcomed me. It is full of beautiful, positive, amazing women. Between the book, the barre classes, and therapy, my life is changing. I feel it. And it is surreal.
If you know me, you know how negative I can be. I have always believed that life just liked shitting on me. I couldn't understand why. Although a Jew/Atheist, I would often comment that God hated me. I was a good person - why did bad things always happen to me? Why couldn't I ever win? I'm learning now that it was my own fault. The negativity I put out into the world is simply what I was receiving back. People told me that. People close to me said to think positive thoughts. I thought they were full of shit. I thought I would never be able to do that. I thought I was destined to be negative and to have a miserable life. But I was wrong. I know I sound preachy. Granola-crunchy. And I can't believe the things coming out of my mouth. BUT POSITIVITY PAYS. It really really does. Since I have begun my self-care journey and worked on my positivity, my life has turned around. I assert myself at work and don't face repercussions for it. Can you believe it? I can act and be treated like an adult. Amazing. (Well, yeah, I'm still going to be sarcastic, I'll never lose that). I can tell family members no and not feel like a jerk. You know why? Because I'm a good person and do good, helpful things, and it's okay for me to set boundaries so I don't lose myself. It's all okay. Do I wish I had realized these things sooner? Hell yes. But I wasn't ready. Even now, I am still changing, growing, becoming better. I read some of Louise Hay's book and think, "yeah, that's amazingly accurate" and then I read other parts and think, "I'd love to buy into this, but I'm just not there yet." And that's okay, too! Acknowledgement: I just registered for the 2018 Muse & Marketplace and am beyond excited. Please let me know if you are also attending! Affirmation: Even though I am working on being the best possible me, I am already perfectly imperfect the way I am. Gratitude: I am forever grateful for my best-friend, who is on this torturous ride of anxiety with me, and holds my hand along the way. |