Crap. I let too much time pass between blog posts again. Is busy an acceptable excuse? I'm still finishing up my novel - getting closer! I attended the conference I mentioned previously in Belgrade Lakes, Maine last month. It was fun to be in a workshop again and I received helpful feedback. I also had the opportunity to meet with other graduates from the The Solstice Low-Residency MFA in Creative Writing Program at Pine Manor College. It's an amazing writing program that helped me grow as both a writer and a person. The school has created a program called Writers Helping Writers and all donations go to scholarships for writers! Please donate HERE.
My biggest news is that I landed a part-time gig as Managing Co-Editor at Solstice Literary Magazine. You should immediately go check it out and subscribe to the newsletter, which I'll be helping with. I wish I had more time to talk and more to say - but there are impending deadlines! Be well and look out for each other.
0 Comments
Okay, so I've sort of disappeared from the blog world, but if you follow me on social media you might have a small idea of what I've been up to. Here's a hint: WRITING. With a little bit of working and living thrown in there for good measure. Part of the living involved my 37th birthday. (Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...) I apologize that it took me so long to write a new blog, but now you can see why! Please follow me on social media for more frequent updates on what's going on in Sabra's World!
The main thing has been writing. I'm bleeding words. After I attended the 2018 Muse & Marketplace in April my graduate program (Class of July 2013), The Solstice Low-Residency MFA in Creative Writing Program at Pine Manor College, reached out to see if I would like to attend the Agents/Editors/Writers Conference in September. Of course I said yes. The only problem was that I had no work to present. I brainstormed. I didn't sleep. And then I had a funny thought. Whatever happened to my undergraduate thesis? I had fifty pages about three very different sisters and their debacles. What could I do with it? Seventeen years had passed since I'd written it. I made A LOT of changes and now have a 268 page novel about two, not three, sisters growing up in West Warwick, RI. As the girls grow into women they move from their roles of the perfect child and the troublemaker to the perfect adult and the opiate addict... I'm feeling better, thank you. This time it has been awhile since my last post due to busyness and happiness, not a funk. This means there's hope for you, too! I'm learning to let things go and it's taking time, but it's getting easier. I've started a new novel. I get to work remotely most of the time and can sit outside on my deck in the sun. There isn't much to complain about.
My husband and I celebrated our third anniversary earlier this month by treating ourselves to a bank account busting dinner. It was delicious. I'm hoping we can take a trip in December and look forward to any suggestions you might have! Last month I went to the writing conference I mentioned in December, 2018 Muse & Marketplace. It was amazing and I highly recommend it for other writers. I was able to take sessions with agents and connect with other creative-minded people. It is what inspired me to get into a new novel, even though I said I'd never write another novel. If you're interested in learning more about my work in progress comment on this blog! Finally, although the Norwood Mind Body Barre location is still closing its doors on May 31, a new studio will be opening its doors on June 1st. They are called Plie Barre Studio and the owner was trained at MBB. I was super relieved to hear that a studio would still be within walking distance and have high hopes for the place. I hope everyone everywhere knows they have the strength to get through the big things but also the everyday. Go you. Too much time has passed since my last blog entry and it's indicative of my state of mind. In other words, I'm not doing great. I've mentioned a funk before, and it's become a bit more of a permanent place than I'd like. I know that for me being happy is not easy, it is something I have to work for. I've known this for a long time. I guess I just didn't realize how much work it would take and that the work would be endless. I might be in a funk today, I might feel awesome tomorrow. But the funk will come back. It will pass, but it will return. And that is something I have to accept. I'm not going to be forever happy just because I've been working on positivity. Life is always going to be a struggle. And I'm upset about it. I'm frustrated. And I'm so, so tired. I never expected that just living could be so difficult and exhausting. And I don't even have children!
The program I was participating in, 8 Weeks to Wellness at Mind Body Barre, has ended. But that isn't the worst part. The Norwood location of MBB is closing its doors on May 31st. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. For someone as socially awkward as myself, finding a place I felt comfortable always seemed near-impossible. But I found them. I found my tribe. And now my tribe is leaving me. Immediately after learning the news I developed a contingency plan, naturally. MBB does have another location, about a thirty minute drive from me, which I hope to be able to continue to visit once a week. But it won't be the same. And I'm not good with change. There will be a mourning period. I'll be sad, depressed, and anxious. But I'll adjust. I am strong. I will, hopefully, make new connections and meet other wonderful people wherever I decide to frequent that is closer to home. But just because I can say the right words doesn't mean I believe them, yet. Just because I know I'm strong doesn't mean I feel it. Just because the sky is blue doesn't mean I don't feel like it is going to come crashing down on me. It might. The sky might break into pieces and come down in big chunks; the ocean might rise and take us all with it. But it is because of these things that I need to be happy, need to push through, need to paste a smile on my face until it comes naturally. Because if I could die tomorrow, why am I spending today miserable? I'm tired all the time. To the point of exhaustion. And then my head hits the pillow and my mind races and I'm suddenly wide awake. I'm eating well and exercising regularly, so I don't get it. Something isn't right. I need to stop worrying. I need to make peace. I need to remember what Louise Hay has to say: Insomnia: Fear. Not trusting the process of life. Guilt. I barely trust anyone or anything. I am consumed with guilt about my own imperfections, about struggling with the illogicalness of others. I have trouble seeing things that aren't in black and white and I don't understand the actions of others. I feel I'd be happiest on my own island with no human interaction. You can call me Negative Nancy.
A newer assignment from 8 Weeks to Wellness at Mind Body Barre: What touched me today? My best-friend, husband, and 8 Weeks to Wellness group have offered a lot of support the last two days and made me feel not quite so alone. The problem is that, ultimately, we ARE all alone. No one can completely understand my feelings or where I am coming from but me. But helping me move past that, to a place where I can accept what happens and try more to MAKE things happen than to LET them happen, can be helpful. At a time when I feel like crawling into a ball in the corner of a dark room, hearing that "You will never be happy if you try to act like somebody you are not. And I don't want you to be quiet and passive and not speaking up!! It's what makes you so wonderful!! You can't (and shouldn't) change you." Means that I'm okay as me, no matter how many times I've felt that I'm not, or how many times I have let people make me feel less than. Who or what inspired me today? I am not feeling very inspired lately. I am feeling more like a robot going through the motions. However, working from a local coffee shop when I don't go into the office allows me to interact with different characters. Today I was inspired by the college-aged boy who likes to sit with me and talk. He asked a lot about Stephen King, who happens to be one of my favorite authors, and that got my juices going and I felt excited again. Alive. Many of my short stories are reminiscent of King's earlier work, when he used the Pen Name Richard Bachman, so talking about him really touched home. It inspired me to write a blog entry, and maybe it will even inspire me to work on getting my own work out there. What made me smile today? This one is simple. Cuddles with my cat. If you're not lucky enough to know already, a 20 pound cat is a great cuddler. He gives real hugs. What's the best thing that happened today? I'm alive. I'm breathing. I'm healthy. I have people that care about me. I drank an iced mocha and had an everything bagel with egg and cheese on it. These are all little things, but they happened today, and they made me feel better. Think about the energy that surrounded these things. Were you giving or receiving energy? Was it more one-way or the other? Was there a good balance? This is a tough one. For the last several months I have worked really hard in sending out positive energy. As shit started to hit the fan earlier this week it was very difficult to stay positive. I felt myself slipping into my old way of thinking - I did something to deserve this. I don't deserve good things. Bad things always happen to me. Yada yada yada. I've been spending the last few days trying to get my thinking back to positive. If I keep sending out negative energy then things are only going to get worse. And I can't let that happen. So, I'm going to be positive. If I made a mistake I'll own it and move on. I do deserve good things. Good things happen to me. One bad day isn't going to taint my whole life. On January 20th I started a program called 8 Weeks to Wellness at Mind Body Barre. Among other things, it involves intuition and self discovery. One of the assignments was to write a letter to your 6 year old self. I put this off for a few days. I knew it would be emotional and wasn't ready to open such old wounds. When I finally started writing it, I was near tears after just a couple of sentences. Since part of this journey and the journey of being a writer is putting yourself out there, I have decided to share my letter here. I look forward to your thoughts.
Official Assignment: Letter to Yourself - Write a letter to your six year old self, using the knowledge you have today. What would you tell her? What advice would you give? What will you tell her about who you are now? First I'll state the obvious: 2018 is finally here! For a lot of people that means trying to change. I don't want to change. I want to improve myself. I'll never be perfect, but I can always try to be a better me.
Now, for the really exciting news, for me anyway: I have been officially approved to work remotely three days week. Apparently, if you ask, you shall receive. Sure, there is a 50% chance you'll get a no, but if you don't ask at all then you have 0% chance of getting what you want. See what asserting oneself can get you?! I simply told my executive that in order to keep my sanity I wanted to keep the schedule that was supposed to be temporary and make it permanent. Honesty is the best policy. (Yes, I realize I sound cornier with every sentence). Since I work my butt off for her and the company that probably helped her decide in my favor. Acknowledgement: I want to continue to acknowledge what Mind Body Barre and the people who work there have done for me which, in short, is save my fucking life. Affirmation: Money comes to me easily and naturally. Gratitude: Thanks to my husband for standing by my side during this roller-coaster we call life. This positivity thing is not easy. I've been in a funk for a couple of days and can't seem to shake it. It doesn't seem to matter what I tell myself. I'm intelligent. I'm beautiful. I deserve good things. They aren't ringing true to me. I have a meeting with my supervisor on Monday to talk about something important (stay tuned) and the anxiety/shallow-breathing is driving me mad. There is no cure for this madness, as I am bringing it on myself. I know this. But it doesn't help. I know that the energy I put out is the energy I will get back, so I am trying to remind myself that the meeting will go well, that I deserve a positive outcome. I've done some breathing exercises without much success. If I'm busy enough I forget to focus on my breathing and that is a fantastic thing. But I can't be occupied 24/7. I can't control it when I wake up in the middle of the night (insomniac) and my breathing is off and even though I know it will eventually stop I don't know when and then it feels like it will never stop and then it's hello panic attack.
So I will continue to be kind to myself. I will continue to say I'm intelligent, I'm beautiful, I deserve good things. I will continue breathing exercises. I will continue to occupy myself. I will not give up. Acknowledgment: I am human. I can make mistakes. I can ask for help. Affirmation: It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I am worth loving. I now choose to live life fully. I am safe everywhere in the Universe. I love myself and trust the process of life. (Both taken from You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay) Gratitude: I am grateful for the people I have chosen to include in my life. They will help me through this. I mean, not financially, but in so many other ways. I have to strongly recommend the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It was recommended to me by an instructor at Mind Body Barre, where I have been attending classes 2-4 times a week for two months, and is mandatory reading for all of their instructors. This is the first time I have taken any type of "gym" class, and the MBB studio immediately welcomed me. It is full of beautiful, positive, amazing women. Between the book, the barre classes, and therapy, my life is changing. I feel it. And it is surreal.
If you know me, you know how negative I can be. I have always believed that life just liked shitting on me. I couldn't understand why. Although a Jew/Atheist, I would often comment that God hated me. I was a good person - why did bad things always happen to me? Why couldn't I ever win? I'm learning now that it was my own fault. The negativity I put out into the world is simply what I was receiving back. People told me that. People close to me said to think positive thoughts. I thought they were full of shit. I thought I would never be able to do that. I thought I was destined to be negative and to have a miserable life. But I was wrong. I know I sound preachy. Granola-crunchy. And I can't believe the things coming out of my mouth. BUT POSITIVITY PAYS. It really really does. Since I have begun my self-care journey and worked on my positivity, my life has turned around. I assert myself at work and don't face repercussions for it. Can you believe it? I can act and be treated like an adult. Amazing. (Well, yeah, I'm still going to be sarcastic, I'll never lose that). I can tell family members no and not feel like a jerk. You know why? Because I'm a good person and do good, helpful things, and it's okay for me to set boundaries so I don't lose myself. It's all okay. Do I wish I had realized these things sooner? Hell yes. But I wasn't ready. Even now, I am still changing, growing, becoming better. I read some of Louise Hay's book and think, "yeah, that's amazingly accurate" and then I read other parts and think, "I'd love to buy into this, but I'm just not there yet." And that's okay, too! Acknowledgement: I just registered for the 2018 Muse & Marketplace and am beyond excited. Please let me know if you are also attending! Affirmation: Even though I am working on being the best possible me, I am already perfectly imperfect the way I am. Gratitude: I am forever grateful for my best-friend, who is on this torturous ride of anxiety with me, and holds my hand along the way. Well, it's Monday, and I usually have a pretty FUCK YOU attitude about this day. But no more! I am being positive. Today is going to be at least okay. ;-) But really, I wanted to write a little bit about saying no. I'm not so great at it. I'm a people pleaser. I'm a push over. Until I get to my breaking point, and then I'm a bit of a bitch. So, I've started putting my foot down. At first it caused me more anxiety. What if I pissed people off? What if I was looked at as difficult? Then I realized that was too fucking bad. I have to do for me. I can't always do for everyone else. So I'm here to say it's okay to say no. It's okay to make boundaries and not always be available to everyone else. It's okay because we're human. Not superhuman. Acknowledgements and Appreciation: I want to say yay me for registering for membership with three separate groups: Association of Writers & Writing Programs, GrubStreet, and International Association of Administrative Professionals. I'm going to be very busy and, as my father said, I'll be smart... (already thought I was!) Thanks and Gratitude: Today I am grateful for my own persistence and organizational skills. I had a meeting with the CEO to prep for our upcoming board meeting and nailed it. YAY ME. Today will be a good day. Today is a good day. I don't know about tomorrow, but maybe if I stay positive everyday will be a good day. |