Too much time has passed since my last blog entry and it's indicative of my state of mind. In other words, I'm not doing great. I've mentioned a funk before, and it's become a bit more of a permanent place than I'd like. I know that for me being happy is not easy, it is something I have to work for. I've known this for a long time. I guess I just didn't realize how much work it would take and that the work would be endless. I might be in a funk today, I might feel awesome tomorrow. But the funk will come back. It will pass, but it will return. And that is something I have to accept. I'm not going to be forever happy just because I've been working on positivity. Life is always going to be a struggle. And I'm upset about it. I'm frustrated. And I'm so, so tired. I never expected that just living could be so difficult and exhausting. And I don't even have children!
The program I was participating in, 8 Weeks to Wellness at Mind Body Barre, has ended. But that isn't the worst part. The Norwood location of MBB is closing its doors on May 31st. To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. For someone as socially awkward as myself, finding a place I felt comfortable always seemed near-impossible. But I found them. I found my tribe. And now my tribe is leaving me. Immediately after learning the news I developed a contingency plan, naturally. MBB does have another location, about a thirty minute drive from me, which I hope to be able to continue to visit once a week. But it won't be the same. And I'm not good with change. There will be a mourning period. I'll be sad, depressed, and anxious. But I'll adjust. I am strong. I will, hopefully, make new connections and meet other wonderful people wherever I decide to frequent that is closer to home. But just because I can say the right words doesn't mean I believe them, yet. Just because I know I'm strong doesn't mean I feel it. Just because the sky is blue doesn't mean I don't feel like it is going to come crashing down on me. It might. The sky might break into pieces and come down in big chunks; the ocean might rise and take us all with it. But it is because of these things that I need to be happy, need to push through, need to paste a smile on my face until it comes naturally. Because if I could die tomorrow, why am I spending today miserable?
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